


I'm Not Scared

by trumanblvck



Category: The 1975 (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 15:59:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trumanblvck/pseuds/trumanblvck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He leaves her after breaking her heart. How will she react when he comes back for her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Scared

Darcy was dancing with friends to a song that was only filled with bass drops and screaming, a type of music that she had grown to love.

 “Darcy?” someone yelled loudly (but barely loud enough to be heard over the heavy music) from behind her. The person reached for her arm to turn her around, almost making her spill the liquid that filled her plastic cup.

“Yea-” she cut herself off when she realized who had called her. She stood there in shock, staring at the man who was standing before her, as everyone around her was having the time of their lives.

“Let’s go outside,” he demanded as he pulled her by her hand aggressively.

Once they reached outside, hand in hand, in the breezy night weather, he hugged her tight, only for her to push him off.

“Don’t hug me, Matthew,” Darcy said fiercely as she crossed her arms.

“You are still mad?” he said in his alluring English accent, letting out a chuckle at the end of his question.

 “Just don’t touch me and I’ll be fine, okay? Why are you even here? I thought when you left last year you weren’t planning on coming back.”

“Well you thought wrong,” he ended his words with a smirk that made Darcy almost throw up her drink, “Why do you care?”

“I _don’t_ care why you came back,” you could hear the temper growing in her voice, “Forget it, I’m going back inside.”

“No you are not,” he grasped her arm and pulled on it so that she was exceptionally close to him.

~~~

 “Why is this happening to me,” Darcy let out, instantly regretting her words, under her breath as she sat in the passenger seat of, her old boyfriend and best friend, Matthew Healy’s car.

“What did you say?” he asked calmly, looking at the cars on the street in front of him.

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Well, there is no one else in the car except for us. Who else would you be talking to?” Matthew asked, also very calmly, trying to instigate Darcy for an argument. Over the course of 9 years that they had known each other, he had always loved the feeling of getting her mad.

Knowing that he was only trying to get her to speak up in an angry matter, Darcy stayed quiet and continued to look out of the window until Matthew broke the silence.

“I asked you a question. Answer me.”

Darcy continued her silent game. It was her turn to get him mad. Except it did not work, all she got out of him was a deep sigh. She always despised when he did that.

Ever since they had met, she had grown to fall in love with the way he always sighed, and that’s why she hated it so much.

Darcy could not handle the awkward feeling in the air from the silence so she spoke out.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see, love.” As Matthew said that, Darcy could feel all of those old feelings for him arise from where they were hidden somewhere inside of her.

~~~

"Is this some kind of stunt?" Darcy asked with a feeling of ache that coursed through her entire body and showed on her physical appearance.

Matthew did not have to say anything. The look on his face spoke for him.

"Oh, please! Don't act like you forgot what happened the last time we were here!"

"I brought you here because this was the last place we were together. I thought it would be cute" Matthew said, laughing a little, realizing he was being a romantic (well to him at least).

This only made Darcy feel even more miserable, making her have to resist the urge to cry in front of him.

"I can’t believe you did this, Matthew. I can’t believe it,” she spoke in a quiet, depressed voice.

Darcy slammed the door of the car that was parked outside of the restaurant and walked away in a forlorn manner, having given up on everything. She wanted to get as far away from Matthew, and that restaurant, as possible.

She walked only a block when she realized that she had no way to go back to the party, and also that Matthew was not chasing after her. A part of her was happy that he had not followed her, but a bigger part of her was, well, _not_ happy.

All she felt like doing was crying, and that was exactly what she was going to do.

She sat on the curb, of an abandoned alleyway, as she sobbed. How could this happen to her? He completely shattered her heart, and now he had the audacity to take her back to the place where he did it.

"Why, God? Why?" She questioned.

"For crying out loud, settle down." Matthew said, in all seriousness, as he plopped down next to her on the curb, bringing a cigarette to his mouth and lighting it.

She sucked her teeth before saying, "Oh, shut up, Matt," she got up from the concrete, which was painted with chewed gum and dirt markings, to look at him with a face that was filled with sorrow, heart ache, and, partially, anger.

She had started to walk away from him, again, when he reached for her arm, rubbing his thumb over her hand in a gentle way, “don’t go. Let’s sit here for a bit.”

Several minutes went by until he finally spoke again, "do you want to know why I came back?"

She shrugged even though they both knew that she was curious and hopeful that the reason had something to do with her.

"Well it definitely wasn’t to sit in the backstreet of a pharmacy and watch you cry,” he gave a small smile.

They sat on that curb in silence; the only thing making noise was Darcy with her soft and slow cries, for what seemed like countless hours, until Matthew got up and reached for her hand to pull her up. She declined the offer.

“I got it” She simply said, with no emotion whatsoever, pushing herself off of where she was seated and then wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeve.

He replied, not with words but, with a roll of his eyes. There was nothing that annoyed him more than when she was being stubborn.

Once she had gotten up, they walked to the car that was still placed outside of the full-of-emotions restaurant.

“I can be kind of stupid at times. I didn’t mean to get so girly and emotional” she said when they were both finally seated in the vehicle. This was Darcy’s apology for leaving him in the car at the restaurant, but in her defense, it was a place that had always led to bad things.

“I know.” Matt replied with a straight face, keeping his eyes on the road that he was driving along. The way that he was so honest was one of the reasons Darcy had fallen in love with him (something that she did not want to continue).

They sat in the moving car, not saying anything, for a while, until Matthew spoke, “I came because I have nowhere to go.”

Darcy turned to him with wide eyes and a look of bewilderedness and surprise.

“We broke up” He said, trying to answer her unspoken question, “my band and I, I mean. I was staying with Adam,” Adam was his, now, ex best friend and band mate, “and now that we are broken up he does not want me staying with him anymore. And my mum does not want me with her either. Remember she said that if the whole music thing did not work out that I shouldn’t come crawling back to her?” he stayed quiet, “well yeah. So the only person I have left is you.”

She stayed with the same shocked look, not uttering a sound except for her calm breathing.

“Are you gonna talk?” Matthew sounded almost irritated that she would not answer him. He always had to be in control of a situation.

When he realized that she wasn’t going to speak he rolled his eyes, turning his head so that he was facing the road in front of him.

“I missed you while you were gone. You probably did not miss me but I just wanted to let you know.”

“You are right. I did not,” Matthew said, ending his remark wit, another, straight face.

Darcy knew by now that he was kidding. It was crazy how they hadn’t seen or spoken to each other for more than a year, yet she remembered almost every little thing about him: the way he joked around (in a way that could’ve been misinterpreted as bullying), the way he sighed, the way he laughed, the way he showed his affection for people.

He placed his hand softly on hers that was placed on her left thigh. She expressed her happiness and longing, for his hand on hers, through her blushing cheeks.

Moments of silence went by until she finally spoke.

 “Why did you bring me back to that restaurant anyways? How did you not think I’d be upset about it?”

“Stop bringing it up. I already told you, I thought it would be cute.”

Darcy, sucking her teeth in annoyance, moved her hand that was under his so that their hands were not in contact with each other anymore. However, he brought his hand to hers again.

“Don’t let go again, Darcy.”

She loved the way he wanted to hold her hand. She loved him. She _loved_ him. But why? The way he made her feel could either be miserable and ill-tempered or like she was on cloud nine. How could she completely abhor him, but be entirely in love with him?

The rest of the car ride was filled with Darcy and Matthew not saying a word, but also saying abundance by the way he played with her hand and the way she looked at him and blushed.

After directing him to her house, he pulled onto the driveway, making it a short walk from the car to the house door. As she got out, she asked through the car window if he needed to stay there for the night.

“No, I have a girl that is letting me stay at her place.”

She knew that something tonight was going to make all of her happiness slip away, and a part of her knew it would have to do with him.

~~~

The next morning was filled with staring at the ceiling, deciding whether or not to go to her literature class that day (she had decided not to), and thinking of the night before that she had spent with the old, and most likely _still_ , love of her life.

She lay in the bed and tried to steer her mind off of the thoughts of Matthew, but her brain declined that request. She spent ninety minutes only thinking of the boy that she did not want to be thinking of.

When she finally brought herself to get out of bed, it only led to more thoughts of him.

She rejected the call that was coming into her cell phone, from the guy she wanted off of her mind.

 _Maybe this is fate_ , she thought, only shaking that idea out of her head seconds later.

She turned off her phone, not wanting to hear from him or hear of him from one of her friends that were at the party she had ditched the previous night.

Having her phone off only lasted several minutes, she tried to stop herself from turning it on but ~~she neededto hear his voice~~ … she needed to get things straight between them. She didn’t want to, and couln’t, have any part in any more of his games. But at the same time, she _wanted_ to. The only thing stopping her was where that got her last time.

*2 new voicemails!* read her phone screen as it lit up.

“Don’t reject my call again”, was the first voicemail that was, of course, from Matthew.

“I’m coming to meet you in a half hour, see you then,” said the second one, still, from Matthew.

She ran to the bathroom to freshen up, the voicemail was only left 20 minutes ago (meaning she had to rush to get ready).

In the middle of brushing her teeth she heard her phone let out a special ring meaning that she had just received a text: _Meet me at our treehouse in 10 minutes. x - Matty_ it read.

It made her smile that he referred to her old tree-house (a place that she had not been in since the both of them were teenagers), which was also her secret place that she normally went to when she wanted to be alone, as “our treehouse”.

She finished her morning routine and ran to the park that was located 2 blocks away from where she had now lived. Behind the park was a small forest (as the children called it) where the tree-house was placed.

She walked to the back of the tree to see if the small wooden door was unlocked (it was) and climbed up the ladder that consisted of, now, weakening wood and worn out rope.

“By the way that you climbed up here so fast I would think you are excited to see me” Matthew replied, with a smirk that showed that he was trying to contain his laughter, from where he was seated in the corner next to an old table Darcy’s father had built for them to eat on, since they had spent most of their days and evenings in there when they were younger.

“And by the way that you called and texted me I would think you wanted to see me, very badly. How did you even get in?”

“I’ve known since you were 14 that you always buried the key directly in front of the tree. Or did you forget that day?”

 

**The Secret Place**

“If I show you something do you promise not to tell anyone?”

“Depends what it is.”

“It’s not a dead body don’t worry,” she laughed before she could barely finish the sentence.

“Alright I promise,” he did not laugh.

She pulled up her sleeve so that she could reach into the soil in front of the hidden tree-house without getting it dirty. She scooped out a handful of soil and searched through it until she pulled out a key.

“What is that key for?” he tilted his head in confusion.

“I’d rather show you than tell you.”

She walked around to the back of the tree where the ladder was put and climbed it as he followed closely behind her.

Although Matthew was older than her, he was like a puppy to her. He followed her wherever she went, did whatever she asked, and was there whenever she needed him. She thought he acted this way because he was new to the country and needed someone to hang around so he would not be alone. If only she knew it was because he was starting to love her.

~~~

They stayed in the tree-house for the entire morning and afternoon. Darcy was glad she skipped out on that literature class.

The time they spent in the secret place was filled with Matthew talking about the past gigs he had performed before his band split up, Darcy talking about what had happened in that small town in the past year, and Matthew debating whether or not to confess his still-growing love for Darcy. He did not.

“Oh, by the way, don’t ever reject my calls. I hate that.”

“Why do you have my number?” she smirked.

“How did you know it was me?” He smiled, knowing he had caught her in the same position he was in.

“You left a voicemail,” She said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I know you did not delete my number”, he said with no emotion, “but that is okay, because I did not delete yours either.”

Darcy felt the heat show in her cheeks, causing them to be red. When he saw that, he gave a small smile and moved over to her, positioning his body so that he was hovering over her. He was not thinking of what he was doing. He placed his lips on hers for a second, moving away from her after seeing the shock on her face when he reopened his eyes. He moved over from her body, so that he was sat next to her and not on her like he was in the previous seconds, after realizing what he had just done.

They sat together, in an awkward silence. Darcy did the only thing she knew how to do in situations like this: get him mad.

“Wait, isn’t that girl that you stayed at her house going to be mad that you’re here?”

“You really can’t take a joke.”

“Maybe the problem is that you don’t know _how_ to joke.”

“You are annoying, I hope you know that,” He said, looking at her dead in the eyes, with a serious look across his face.

Why was she even hanging around him? How did this even happen? Why do these things happen to her? Has she not been through enough already?

“If I am so ‘annoying’ then why are you still here?” she put air quotes around the word ‘annoying’ and threw her hands in the air in defeat.

And with that, he got up as much as he could (to be fair, the tree-house was ever so compact), and climbed down the ladder and walked away into the cold air that filled Tennessee.

Why did she do that? She needed to stop thinking of herself. She had to think of Matt. As much as she did not want to, she had to.

There had to be something wrong with him that made him come back to this town. That made him come back to _her_. She was hoping he was as in love with her as much as she was in love with him. He _kissed_ her. If that is not enough evidence to prove that he still had feelings for her, then she did not know what was. But then again, he had never said he loved her in the whole 9 years they had known each other. Maybe something was wrong with him. Maybe he came to apologize to her. Maybe he came to break her heart again.

So many thoughts were flowing through her mind, while adrenaline flowed through her veins. She was getting frustrated just thinking of him and what he did to her.

**The Heartbreak**

Darcy, who was dressed in her favorite sundress, walked into the diner. She was meeting with the guy she had been in love with since the day she met him that day in ninth grade. Little did she know that it would be the last time they would meet up in a year.

As she stood by the door, she scanned through the bodies in the restaurant, searching for the love of her life.

 _There he is,_ she thought.

She walked, swaying her hips, over to the booth where he and a couple of friends (Adam, Ross, and George), that Darcy did not know were going to be there, sat.

“Hey, babe” Darcy spoke as she firmly placed her lips to his. She noticed him slightly pull away from the kiss which she thought was strange, but more than strange, it was heart breaking. “You okay?”

“What? Um, yea” he was hesitant to reply, almost like as if he was thinking of something else.

Darcy acted like she had brushed it off.

“Hey guys, how are you?” she asked the group of friends that were also joining them.

None of them spoke, only giving her fake smiles and nods.

“Am I missing something here? Did I not get the message saying not to come?”

“Um, Darcy can I talk to you?” the way that Matt uttered those words made Darcy know that something was wrong.

She scooted out of the booth and he did the same. When they reached the front of the crowded restaurant, she spoke out, “If you’re going to break up with me just please do it already.”

“I’m sorry, Darcy…” He stayed quiet after he spoke, waiting to see her reaction but, partially because he did not know what else to say. She stayed emotionless. She did not know how to take the news. The love of her life, the person she thought she would be with for the rest of her life, had just broken up with her. What was she to do? She could not cry in front of all of these people.

But that’s exactly what she did.

She could not stop the tears from pouring out. They just flowed, because it was the right thing to do, the only thing she could do.

As she cried in front of him for a minute, he brought his hand to her arm to rub it in a soothing way, something that only hurt her even more.

“Stop! Don’t do that!” she nearly yelled. She turned around and ran out of the opening of the restaurant. He did not chase after her.

~~~

Matthew spent the next 12 days without the company of Darcy. Although she thought he wanted to be without her, it was the complete opposite. He _needed_ her. She held him tight when he needed to be held, she listened to him when he wanted to talk, and she comforted him when he needed comfort. He needed all of those things, now.

But he ruined that.

If only he had never broken her heart, if only he showed how much he _loved her_.

He did the only thing he could think of. He called her.

“Babe?” He asked when the line clicked, indicating she had answered.

“What do you want?”

“I want…” he stayed quiet, “I want to see you.”

With a suck of her teeth, she hung up the phone, only to be annoyed once again with another call from him.

“Don’t hang up when I’m talking to yo-”

She clicked the end button on her phone, once again, only making his feelings of affection alter to feelings of displeasure.

As much as he wanted to call her back, he did not. He knew he would only make things worse.

~~~

He backed away from the door on the front of her house after knocking, holding a bouquet of roses, hoping she would answer the door.

She opened the door, looking more beautiful than ever, leaving Matthew speechless.

“Hello? Are you there?” She waved her hand over his face.

“Oh I’m sorry what did you say?” He was hypnotized by her beauty.

“I said ‘can I help you’.”

“Oh, um yes. Will you go out with me? Like on a date?” He asked, more nervous than he had ever been in his whole life.

Matthew was never known to be a nervous person. Why was he nervous around the girl he had known for 9 years all of a sudden?

“I can’t,” she said as she looked past his face, to something that was behind him, and closed the door behind her, putting the key in to lock it, “I already have a date tonight.”

“What? With who?” Matthew asked with a despondent tone to his voice, causing it to crack.

“None of your business.” She said as she sauntered past him.

She made her way to the car that had just pulled into the driveway not even a minute before. Matt had a feeling in his heart that he had never felt before as he watched her get into the car with the man and placed a kiss on his cheek.

“Who is that?” He, the man inside of the car whom Darcy was going on a date with, asked her.

“Oh, him?” she said looking directly at Matthew through the windshield, “He’s no one important.”

~~~

Matthew stayed on the porch, holding the flowers, long after the car, containing Darcy and her date, had left.

He took a seat on the porch steps, finding it impossible to stay standing. He was too hurt to do anything. He remained there for an hour, hoping Darcy would not come back while he was still there. Unfortunately, as if the world wanted everything he did not want to happen to occur, she was walking out of the car, that had just dropped her off, and up the driveway.

She noticed the downcast look that was spread across Matthew’s face and ran up to him.

“Are you okay? What happened?” she asked frantically.

“No, nothing. I’m fine. I just don’t feel good.” He said as he got up and started walking towards his car but came to a halt when he realized he hadn’t given her the flowers. Turning himself around to walk back to her, he handed the bouquet to the beautiful girl that was in arms reach of him.

“Wait, Matty, come back!” But he was already on his way to his car, that was still turned on, in the driveway.

Matthew wasn’t one to let girls affect him, considering he could care less of their feelings, but Darcy was different. How did he not notice before?

The drive back to the motel for him was grueling. It was almost an hour away from Darcy’s house. It was worth the drive, but only if he was going to see her, not going farther away from her.

He slammed on the steering wheel, in anger, at every light, only thinking of Darcy. Why did he not ever think that maybe she was interested in someone else? Her heart fell to pieces because of him; of course she would find someone after a year.

He wished he had never put his band before her. If it weren’t for him having to go back to Manchester, he would not have had to break up with her a year before.

Not only was he thinking of Darcy and how he wished he could take back every bad thing he ever did to her, he was also thinking of her birthday which was in a month. He had to do something special to get her back. He wanted her to be his again.

~~~

It was 3 am and Darcy lay awake in her queen sized bed. As much as she wanted to be sleeping, and if not sleeping she wanted to be thinking of the date she went on hours ago, she could not do either. She was wide awake and thinking of Matthew, thinking of everything that had to do with him. The way he walked, the way he spoke, the way he laughed, just _him_.

 _Stop_ ,she thought to herself, _you do not and cannot love him_.

But she did. And she could.

Even though it was the middle of the night, her self-conscious was telling her to go to him. But she did not. If Matty really wanted to be with her he would be coming to her at this time, not the other way around.

She changed her position in her bed to reach for her phone on the night table and check it one last time before attempting to go to sleep.

No new messages.

Matt did not try to contact Darcy in any way. If anyone else was in Darcy’s shoe’s they would either be really upset, or really happy. But she did not know how she felt. She was happy that now she could finally move on (it wasn’t very likely, but she could try) and go to school again without being distracted. But she was still sad, though, that maybe he did not need her as much as she needed him.

~~~

It was 29 days later and she still hadn’t heard a word from Matthew. Did he really just give up on her? Why? Was it because of that date she went on? Was it because he found someone else? Did he go back to England? Maybe he really did have another girl that was letting him stay at her house. As much as all of those questions haunted her, there was one thing that hurt her the most: he probably wasn’t going to be with her for her birthday the next day.

Darcy tried to search for an excuse that would not cause pain to her heart but she could not find any.

She thought about getting out of bed and doing something productive, but she decided against it. She would much rather over think things (which was a really bad habit of hers).

Her mind was clouded with only thoughts of Matthew, something she did not want. She wanted to go out with the friends (she had secluded herself from all social interaction when Matthew made his way back into her life), she wanted to have fun. But she could not. The thoughts of Matthew were too busy bringing her down.

After minutes of trying to come up with a conclusion of what to do, she finally decided she was going to settle things with Matthew.

He picked up his phone on the first ring.

“Darcy? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I have a question.”

“Actually I have to ask you something first. Are you busy tomorrow for your birthday?”

“Probably not. Why?” Darcy asked even though she knew where he was going with that.

“Let’s do something. Not just for your birthday, but maybe for today too.”

 

~~~

 “Who is it?” Matthew shouted as he got up from the motel bed and ran over to the door.

“It’s me” replied a voice that Matthew knew. It was Darcy. He ran to the door and opened it in a hurried fashion.

He welcomed her in a tight hug, not letting her go; thankful she did not try to detach herself from his embrace.

“I need you.”

“I’ve needed you since we met.” She spoke with just as much emotion as he did.

**The Meeting**

Darcy sat on the curb, with her knees up, of an abandoned building. As creepy as the place was, she needed to get away, and that was the only place, that wasn’t filled with people, that was close to where she lived.

She let her head fall to her knees and allowed the tears to slip out when she could not contain her sadness any longer.

_Why did this happen to me? I thought he loved me._

She looked up with a wet face as she heard someone walk towards her then stop.

“You okay, love?” the unknown person, that was now sitting next to her on the curb, asked.

“I wish.”

“What is wrong?” he asked in his gorgeous English accent that made Darcy wonder why he was in Tennessee.

“My boyfriend, well ex boyfriend now, he used me. The whole relationship was a joke.” She finished her sentence in breathy sobs.

He did not say a word; all he did was pull her close to him and rub her head that he laid on his shoulder.

They stayed in that position for minutes, both of them only listening to her cries.

“You’d like to go to a restaurant, yeah? There is a place around the corner. It could really help to just eat,” he pulled back so that he could see her face.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t get to excited now, love,” he replied sarcastically, making Darcy smile even though she thought she would never be able to smile again.

~~~

They lay together, entwining their legs and hands, on the uncomfortable mattress that belonged to the motel, not saying a word, just enjoying each other’s company.

She loved the way he was looking at her. She loved the way he was closing the gap of space in between them at that moment. She loved the way he was kissing her.

When they separated from the kiss, she opened her eyes slowly to see a smile spread across his face.

“What was that for?” She asked smiling from ear to ear.

“Just to show how much I missed you.” His smile had now disappeared, showing how serious he was. “Be mine, Darcy. I need you.”

She answered by positioning her lips onto his.

They both stayed, embraced in each other’s bodies, silent. None of them wanted to ruin this moment. This was the first time they had been together in a year where an argument hadn’t started.

“What are we going to do tomorrow?” Darcy hoped they were going to stay home, she had gotten this feeling in the pit of her stomach that she felt was trying to tell her that something bad was coming.

“I have a surprise for you.”

“Really? Tell me!” the wretched feeling had disappeared in her excitement.

“You just have to wait and see,” he pecked her on the forehead before closing his eyes, indicating that he was going to sleep.

Although Matthew was now snoring and sound asleep, Darcy stayed up. She could not help but think why she had gotten that bad feeling in her stomach. Maybe this really was a plan for him to break her heart again. She had never known why he had broken up with her in the first place, but she assumed that it was just so he could feel more, as guys would say it, macho.

~~~

Darcy awoke to the loss of Matthew’s arms around her.

“Matthew?” Darcy called out. After waiting a couple of seconds for an answer, and not getting one, she got out of bed and redressed herself. “Matthew? Are you still here?” Just when her heart started to race, thinking that maybe the worse had happened to him, he jumped out from the bathroom.

“Happy birthday, babe!” He smiled and held out his hand which held a cupcake. Darcy placed her hand to her heart in a way to show that he scared her.

“Oh, my gosh! You scared the crap out of me!”

“I’m sorry, love,” he placed a kiss on her mouth.

“I think I can forgive you,” she replied with a smirk.

“Let us go out somewhere, yeah?” he grabbed her hand

She replied with a smile and a nod.

~~~

“Where are you taking me?” she giggled.

“Just wait, my love, we are almost there,” Matthew had covered her eyes with her hands and led her to a place that, he hoped, meant the world to her. He was trying to go all out to show her how much he wanted her. “A few more blocks and we’ll be there,” he joked.

“What?” her voice cracked as she shrieked, “Are you _kidding_ me?”

“Yes I am kidding you, just a few more steps,” he laughed. They walked another half minute in silence, waiting to arrive to the destination. “Okay we are here,” he let out as he removed his hands from covering her eyes.

“Oh my word,” she covered her mouth, becoming more quiet towards the end of sentence, she was shocked, “I can’t believe you did this!”

Matthew had lay down a blanket on the sidewalk, of the abandoned building where they had first met, and placed a candle on it.

Darcy had that same bad feeling, from the night before, that day, so she said a quick prayer before eating. She thanked God for the meal she was about to eat (even though it was just a sandwich and fries from some restaurant, she still thanked Him), she thanked him for Matthew, and thanked him for being alive.

The rest of the evening was filled with small talk, laughter, and pecks on the lips. Until they both decided it was time to head back to the motel, sadly.

~~~

Even in the car, Darcy still had that same constant feeling that something terrible was going to happen but, she shrugged it off, hoping maybe it was a good feeling that she had misunderstand. She was very wrong.

“I’m bored,” Matthew let out; pouting his lip like a child would when not getting what they wanted.

“I think we should go home. But if you want, we could go somewhere else. How about a movie? Or a bar?”

“Those are two very different things, babe,” he laughed, “let’s go on an adventure,” he forced his right foot harder on the gas pedal, going at an illegal speed limit

“Stop! Slow down, we’re gonna crash,” she screamed.

He was accelerating on the street that they were driving along.

“Why? Are you scared?” he chuckled at the end of his sentence.

She hesitated, and relaxed a little bit (even though her heart was still beating in an unhealthy way, but a just a tad more normal than it was a second ago), before answering. “No,” she stuttered, “of course not. I’m not scared.”

Ever since she said that, every minute, Matthew pressed down onto the pedal even more intense than the last, until he turned to Darcy for a split second and lost control of the wheel.

Darcy was right about her bad feeling. But now she could not feel anything.

~~~

Darcy died that same night at the spot of the car crash. Matthew survived, he was in a coma.

He wasn’t the same without her.

There would never be a day where he would not regret what he did. He was the reason the love of his life died. Not only had he broken her heart once, but he _literally_ broke it the second time. It stopped beating. Because of him.

When he woke up 2 weeks later, with his mother in the room, he asked her, “Mum? Why are you here? Why am I here? Where is Darcy?”

“The police found your ID in your pocket and rang me,” she hesitated before continuing her sentence, “I’m sorry, babe.”

“Sorry for what? Mum, what is going on?”

“You and Darcy got into a car accident… and…” she started to cry before she could finish, “Darcy isn’t here anymore.”

He sat up, only to lay back down from the immense pain he was in just from getting up, with wide eyes. “What do you mean she’s not here anymore? Mum please don’t joke like this,” he started to sit up again, slowly, hoping to get up and find Darcy. She had to be in this place, somewhere, anywhere.

“Stop, babe, sit down, I know you want to find her but… you won’t.”

~~~

Matthew had missed Darcy’s funeral that contained her mother, father, younger sister, and many more relatives and friends. Why did he have to be unconscious? Why did he even get into that accident? He did not remember how their car flipped over (or at least that’s what the medical staff at the hospital had told him) but he wished it would’ve never happened. He was the reason he missed her funeral. He was the reason she had a funeral in the first place. She was gone. _All because of him_.

~~~

2 months later he was out of the hospital. His mom was still by his side, by doctor’s orders, but by Matthew’s request he asked if he could spend a day with Darcy. Knowing what he meant, his mother let him see her alone.

Ms. Healy dropped off her son at the cemetery on that Sunday. The weather was perfect for what he was coming for, gloomy.

It’s not like he was coming to see an old relative that he had only met when he was just born, he was coming to see the love of his life, the girl who did not even _know_ that she was the love of his life.

He knew where she was buried (thanks to the cemetery directory which knew where everyone was located). He walked to the tombstone with teary eyes and trembling hands, holding a letter that he had written for her while he was in the hospital. He wished he could read it to her in person, but that was not a choice.

As he approached the tombstone that belonged to the person he loved, he was full on sobbing. It was his fault that he was here. It wasn’t just some drunken old man that had crashed into her’s fault, because that’s not what happened. It was his fault. His and only his.

He lay next to her on the ground, for what seemed like hours but was only thirty minutes, and just cried and kept repeating how sorry he was.

After thirty minutes of crying and apologizing for something he could not change or fix, he just spoke to her like she was there.

“Aren’t those clouds disgusting?” he turned to her, “it reminds me of someone I know,” he frowned, “no wait! Not you!” he chuckled, “I meant me. Because, you know,” it was then that he started to tear up again.

“I really miss you, Darcy. Words can’t describe how much I need you right now. I wish I wasn’t talking to the dirt right now. I wish I was talking to _you_. But I can’t. And it’s my entire fault.

“I hope you forgive me. I don’t think I could continue to live if you hated me for this. _I_ already hate myself for this; I really don’t want you to hate me for it, too. But knowing how you are, I think you have forgiven me,” he smiled, remembering how easy it was to get her to accept an apology from him.

Even when he was speaking to her, he kept thinking in his head how sorry he was for his stupidity, how much he hated himself, and how much he missed her.

He could not take the pain anymore from talking to just 6 feet of dirt and a dead body buried beneath. He started to cry so hard his body shook. He could not care less if people saw him having this episode of grief.

“God! I just miss you so much! I’m so stupid for what I did,” he was slapping himself in the face, hoping it would make him feel better, “I don’t even know what I did but all I know is that because of it, you’re not mine anymore. You’re mine in my heart but not in… life...”

After several minutes of just the sound of his cries, he finally spoke again, “I wrote you a letter. I’m gonna read it to you. And then when I am done I will leave it here for you, okay?”

Before he read his letter he could feel more tears coming.

He pulled the envelope, which contained his letter, out of his trench coat pocket. He started to read with lachrymose eyes, “Dear Darcy, or as I would like to say: my love.

“I’d like to start off by saying, I am sorry. I am sorry in more ways than one. I am sorry for that day that I met you. I should’ve never approached you. The reason why I am saying this is because if we had never met then this would not have happened. As grateful as I am to have had someone like you in my life; I am so sorry I met you.

“I wish you could’ve lived a happy life, Darcy.”

The letter was over. But he had so much more to say so he continued, pretending to be reading from the letter, so that if she was watching over him, he would not feel embarrassed by her.

“I knew you for 9 years, but I felt like I knew you for much longer than that. We were put together for a reason, Darcy. But we will never know what the reason was. All because of me.

“I really hope you love me, Darcy. If you really loved me you would forgive me this,” he let out an _ugh_ before continuing, “I’m so selfish, babe, I’m sorry. I just- I don’t want you to hate me as much as I hate myself,” he was sobbing harder this time.

“Remember that day that we made our 5 year anniversary? Wow it’s crazy that we’ve been together for that long… well… _were_ together,” he said under his breath, “It was the day before my twentieth birthday. I told you that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. Well I wasn’t lying. I still _do_ want to be with you for the rest of my life. I don’t care that you live here and I live all the way in England. I will come here to see you whenever I can. I promise you.

“I miss you so much, my love. I have to go now. But just remember how much I miss you,” he hesitated before speaking again, “and remember… that.. I love you. I love you, Darcy Anne Palmer. Forever and always. I promise.”

That was the first time he had ever said that he loved her. But he meant it. 


End file.
